Trolls: Not Your Average Fairy Tale Creatures

They’re cute.

They sing.

They have colorful foofy hair.  (Of which I can totally relate because I have slightly less colorful foofy hair).

Yes, I’ve seen the movie.  Poppy saves her friends from the Bergen and manages along the way to give Bridget a glam makeover into Princess Glitter Sparkles so that Gristle will fall in love with her and he later realizes who she really is and loves her anyway.  Seriously, I did watch it.  It wasn’t bad and the music kept me hooked.

But these trolls that I speak of today aren’t the Kool & the Gang and Cyndi Lauper remake singing trolls dancing around underground fairy tale villages, it’s the ones that lurk above ground, over the internet and by text message hiding behind their Samsung Galaxy 4.1 megapixel screens.

“Hey, baby you’re hot.”

“Hello, dear.”

“I work for the military overseas.  I think you are lovely.  I await your response.”

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I get these messages several times a week.  It is very apparent that English is not their native language.  I try to be polite because I am trying to build a following on my blog, but come on!!  I’ve seen the Lifetime movies, read the news, and click on those Facebook “news” stories so even though I do live amongst the trees I do not live under a rock.  I’ve said hello back, thanked them for following, then proceeded to tell them I don’t chat with people I don’t know in real life.  I’ve blocked a few that were impressively persistent.  Secretly I did applaud their commitment to their slimy, dishonest choice of work, but let’s be real…..had I actually HAD a conversation with one of these “dudes” (I’m not laying down the gender card, cause it really could be a slimy, dishonest chick on the other end of the line too) and continued for a few days it would play out something like this:

I’m overseas…..blah, blah, blah….My mother/father/sister/uncle/favorite childhood pet is dying and I need to get back to the states…..blah, blah, blah……I don’t have access to my money right now…… blah ,blah…..I wouldn’t ask unless it was an emergency…. Blah….Can you wire me some and as soon as I am back to the States I will repay you….blah, blah….Please, dear?

There are several variations to their stories, but in the end…….they are only looking for money from your gullible, compassionate ass.  Sorry, Charlie!  No hay dinero aqui.  Nweghị ego ebe a.  Kein geld hier. I can have google translate it into whatever language they actually speak, but yo momma ain’t from the United States.  Go back under your rock and get an honest job like the rest of us.

These trolls, they are the easy ones to spot and block.  The others?  Not so much.  They know you, work with you, are actually kinda “friends” with you.  Luckily they don’t want money, but what they do end up taking is far more valuable.

First, they befriend you.  On Facebook (and you accept their friend request because you DO know them), chat you up in the cafeteria at work (or by typical course of business emails or phone interaction), or at your favorite bar or restaurant that you frequent with your girl friends.  They’re cute, charming, and funny.  You give them your cell and you start texting.  They take you out.  Then….somehow….after a bit of time has passed, you find out there’s a wife or a girlfriend carefully concealed behind the façade and this may not be until after you’ve already started liking this person and thinking  it could be something.  WRONG.  You just got burned.

These guys (OK…..maybe girls can be this way too, but not many of them are hitting on me so I can only talk about my experience) are the worst kind of trolls.  They become friends and confidants and the moment you find out the truth….it all becomes a lie.  They make you question.  They make you distrust.   They make you leery of every guy that comes across your path.

The BIG question here is WHY?  Not why do they do it…because that answer is an easy derogatory word brought to you by the letter “F”, but WHY do they think they can do it to YOU?

Do people really think we are that stupid?  Or gullible?

Do our lives appear to be so lacking in attention from the opposite sex that they think we don’t have standards?

Do you really think we are THAT DESPERATE??

Again…..  Sorry, Charlie!

But these trolls are harder to spot and even harder to just put up a wall to without shutting down every single interaction you have that may possibly be genuine.  It causes us to clam up and only operate in the little bubble that we exist in.  Thankfully, I enjoy my bubble.

If you’re one of these trolls…..just stop.  Is your life really that boring??

If I wanted trolls in my life, I’d rather the rainbow-haired variation singing to me to just “Dance, dance, dance” than the turds that surface and attempt to prey on what they perceive as your insecurities.

So bring on the cute ones and to hell with the slimy ones….  I’d rather live in a underground fairy tale village running from the Bergen anyway.


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