Fear, Choices, & Dawson’s Creek

I’ve never been one to make the best decisions, except for when it came to my kids.

For them, the tough decisions came easy because I knew what was at stake:  their future.

For a long time I was never able to see my future or even contemplate that there was one for me, outside of being their mom.  This led me to make poor decisions in my life outside of them.  Now that they’re grown up I continue to do so from time to time, blinded by whatever it is that keeps me from seeing over that horizon.

What is it about the future….my future in particular, that I fear?

Getting old?

Death?

Not even close.

The things I fear, most people yearn for:  happiness, success, love.

The things I’ve experienced up until this point in my life have taught me that for every up there is a down and whenever things have gone well it doesn’t take long for the floor to drop out from underneath me.  This makes you afraid of letting them happen again.  This leads you to take the easy way out and the path you know….the one that leads nowhere.  No expectation, no disappointment.

But what happens when you make the right choices?  If I listen to my past and the outcomes learned from the tough choices that I’ve made in regards to my children then life works out and you live happily ever after. Easy-peasy, right?   Out of all of the lessons I’ve learned and applied in my life I’m not sure why this one is always so tough for me when it comes to my personal life, but it is.  I tend to take the easy road.

This week I didn’t and it sucked.  I fall back on old habits to forget.  I try to see past that big, black, hazy, can’t-see-ten-feet-in-front-of-me fog and I can’t.  I lift my left wrist upward to see the words tattooed to remind me to just “Let it Be”.  You write and for once there really isn’t a message, just words that you had to get out.  You pour a glass of wine.  You put on old episodes of Dawson’s Creek.  You realize your hair looks just like Jen Lindley’s did senior year. You ponder the meaning of life and the future.  You hope you did the right thing, that the decision you made was the right one.

If you do the right thing, doesn’t that mean it was the right decision?

I really wish that it felt that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 


6 thoughts on “Fear, Choices, & Dawson’s Creek

  1. I’m with you, the tough decisions don’t always lead to “happily ever after”, and doing the right thing doesn’t always guarantee it’s the right decision, but I guess that’s what makes them so tough in the first place. The risks, the possible loss of one thing to gain another. And it’s always easier to see what is right for others – especially our children – than it is for ourselves. We’re too hard on, and expect too much of, ourselves. That’s a hard habit to break.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ooof. I hear you. My biggest trigger for a knee-buckling panic attack? Realizing that if I keep doing what I’m doing, I might be successful.

    It’s hard to be your own worst enemy. But you’re tattoo makes a good point. I’ll have to try to “Let it Be.”

    Thanks so much for sharing here. This was great to hear today.

    Like

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