I’ve had a hard time writing the last couple weeks.  Between being busy with work and trying to write something a little lighter than I have recently I’ve been avoiding it much more successfully than I have the leftover pie from Thanksgiving.  When I started my blog part of my vision was to poke some fun at what it’s like to be single at this age and dating.  Although I’m not the type of person that worries too much about what people will think of me or my work I don’t really want to offend anyone either, or scare them off, so writing about my dating life past, present, or future is a little…….unnerving .  I am, however, a soul searcher and I’ve wondered at length as to why I am where I am in regards to my long standing single status.  So here goes….and if I’ve dated you in the past and something here strikes a chord, ummm…..sorry?!?

What I know (in regards to me and relationships this list is incredibly short!):

  1. I’m dumb as a pile of rocks when it comes to guys. If you’ve talked to me at all on this topic, you’ve heard me say it.  It’s true.  My record speaks volumes.
  2. This stupidity has led me to compile a list of “Don’t Date if…..” rules. I wish I can say that they were common sense, avoid them from the get-go rules, but I had to actually try it out for myself to be sure.  The top three on the list of “Don’t Date if  they” are:
    • Fresh out of rehab.
    • Live with their mommy.
    • Consistently unemployed. This was a tough one for me because I found myself out on a date with an investment banker this summer while I was laid off and he asked me what I did for work.  Couldn’t blame him for not calling again.
  3. There are people that you’ve encountered in your life that although you can get over THEM, it’s hard to get over the experience of what happened and allow yourself to be vulnerable again.  Trust….I’d rather kayak with sharks.

That #3 is a killer…….and THIS little thing right there, is what got me here.

I know I’m not the only one.  I’ve talked to girl friends and guy friends alike and everyone has their story of that ONE person that did a number on them, that yanked the rug out from under them so hard and fast it made their head spin and left them unwilling to even sneak a glance in that direction again.  We do though…..we meet someone new and we’re back at it, but is it the same?  Do you ever allow yourself to be put back into that position where you feel you can trust someone with all of….that??

Yes.  No.  Sometimes?!?

How do you kick that feeling?  I’ve asked this question of people that have managed to find it all again and it’s usually the same response….. “when you meet that right person”.  (insert my exasperated, eyes rolled up in the back of my head, look HERE).  Based on my list of “Don’ts” , which I’ve only shown you the tiny little tip of the iceburg above, and my “Do’s” (or what I’m really looking for) then mathematically my chances of actually stumbling upon this guy are in line with my chances of Kenny Chesney proposing and fulfilling my retirement dreams.  Awesome odds right there, my friends.

Because I am an over-thinker this gets me thinking (of course, why wouldn’t it?).  What can I do about this?  I’m not going to sit back and just wait for things to happen, I don’t work that way.  When I wasn’t working I didn’t just kayak and hike every day and wait for that perfect job opportunity to come knocking on my door, I spent hours every day looking and writing emails and calling and going to interviews (and then I went out and kayaked and hiked).  Why would this situation be any different?  It isn’t.  There has got to be something I can do to move forward.  I hate sitting still for too long and I refuse to allow myself to roll back down that hill.  So I think about what is it that causes me….anyone…. to slide back down that hill in this regard.  What keeps us weighted down?

Again, that #3 is a killer.  It is our weight.  It is what keeps us from moving on properly and doing the things we should or that are destined for us.  I don’t believe that there is some grand scheme of a plan for my life (and honestly if there was WHO THE HELL was the engineer on this freaking project, the same one that did the Big Dig?).  I do believe we have a destiny and it is up to us to put ourselves in a place that it is allowed to happen.  I’m not there, but I’m close.  So although I have long since gotten over this person, my #3, that waged war on my trust and ability to be vulnerable, I haven’t quite gotten over the aftermath.  (Ouch…..that hurt a little to even write).

I know who I am without doubt.

I know what I want without doubt.

What I need to do is allow it to step foot into my life without either running from it or slamming the door in its face.

Not an easy task for me, but I’m not special.  My situation was not special.  This stuff happens to people all the time.  Everyone has their own way of getting past it.  For me, my writing has been a lot of exorcising the ghosts of my past and of getting my story out in a way that other people can relate to and allows me to go on with my life.  I often go back to that day I got a simple one sentence email.   Seven words from one small and cowardly person changed how I viewed every other male I have come across for the last eight years.  Why do we let other people have such power over us?  I know this isn’t the only reason I am where I am today, but it is a pretty substantial piece of it.  I haven’t allowed myself to trust the people that do come into my life in a way I should.

Who needs a therapist when I can just pour my heart out to you guys?  I know you’re here with me either feeling like you’re in the same boat or you’re just cheering me on (I can hear it already…..SMFT!).  So together, let’s bid adieu to those memories, mine and yours.  The one’s that weighed us down and kept us sliding back down that hill.  I shared a tiny little piece of mine.   I know some of you have yours.

Who is your #3 and are you ready to leave them behind?


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