Have you ever felt the Universe was trying to tell you something, or better yet teach you something? And time after time you seem to be failing to rise to whatever occasion the Universe was inviting you to, thus you were repeating the lesson over and over like a twentieth year college student that just doesn’t get it. My lesson is patience and although I have “Let it Be” tattooed on my left wrist as a reminder to just calm the fuck down, I still can’t seem to grasp the concept. It seems so simple, yet so out of reach. The Universe is continually plunking me in situations that require me to be patient and trusting. And what do I do? I try to control it. I try to figure it out NOW and end up making decisions to direct my destiny in my own direction. It hasn’t worked out too well thus far so I really am not sure why I keep repeating history.
Growing up I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Even though that feeling was instilled within my very soul I still found a way to follow a different road. Not necessarily a better one, although the choices made were ones that lead to the birth of my three amazing children.
My marriage. Without a doubt not my best decisions (or even in the top 100) and done because, well we had a baby. It did make me a Winchester and how cool is it to be Sam Winchester? Pretty freaking cool (and if you are not a Supernatural fan you’re thinking I’m just a narcissistic ass right about now). And his family (the ex-husband, not Jared Padelecki) has treated me as one of their own from day one and even through the divorce have been some of my biggest cheerleaders. As my own family is dwindling I am thankful for their love.
Relationships I have been in since my divorce. There have been……a few. Some have been worth my time while others I’ve exited feeling the devastating loss of months and years of my life that I can never get back. They have left me with scars, not visible but there none the less. Some have left me with friendships that I will always cherish. Because of my experiences I find that I have narrowed down the list of qualifications to the point that the possibilities are miniscule and realistically finding the right person a fairly impossible task. If you’re interested in trying I’ll email you the check list to see if you meet the minimum criteria and we can talk. Please don’t take that to mean I think I am “all that” it’s just that I am an INTJ and I know myself and what doesn’t work, so I do actually have a check list that I go through mentally in my mind. That would be a blog post all on its own though so we’ll just move on for now….
Work. Oh, this one has been a biggy of late. Losing your job and wondering how you are going to make mortgage payments and heat your home through the winter definitely changes your decision making proces. From the perception of the mortgage company I made the right decision in accepting a job six weeks after I was let go. Was it where I was supposed to end up? Was this the Universe’s big shake up to get me to where it wanted me or did I take yet another detour?
All of these things I have dealt with and made decisions to put me on a path to be exactly where I am today. Don’t misconstrue that to mean that I am unhappy, as I am absolutely not. I am happy. I am content with my life. As I listed after each occasion there have been things I have been blessed with as a result. I just wonder if this is really where I am meant to be, and I don’t just mean Chesterfield, New Hampshire. Things have happened that have made me realize that I am not in control of my destiny. I have continually reacted to situations to deal with “stuff” and the Universe continues to create ways to seemingly re-align me. I like that I am paying attention and notice them, however I most definitely don’t feel that I am answering the call as I should be. I panic and I react, it’s all I know how to do. It’s helped me to keep my head above water for so long that I rely on it taking over in these moments. It’s the survival instinct inside me that has helped me get through so much shit. I know though, that there is something bigger and better yet to come and I just hope I haven’t made one more decision to slam the door in destiny’s face and make it work on finding yet another route that will inevitably knock the wind out of me to get my attention.
I hope you weren’t reading this hoping to find some pearls of wisdom on how I’ve overcome anxiety or poor decision making, because I haven’t figured it out myself yet to be able to share. I suppose this is my very public message to the Universe that I am definitely listening and I am trying like hell to be patient. Whispering those words in the dark of night or from a mountaintop hasn’t seemed to get the message across so I will yell in my own way, on paper. In the meantime I will sit here drinking wine and enjoying a beautiful New Hampshire winter snuggled up in my house in the woods, flipping my wrist over so I am reminded to just….. Let it Be. And maybe crank some Beatles. May you hear the words whispered by the Universe in your direction and listen more attentively than I.